I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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