I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
