My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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