i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
