i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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