Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
