4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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