i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
