I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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