please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
