Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
