So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
