you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
