i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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