i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
