Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
