see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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