I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
