my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
