Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
