3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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