Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
