i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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