Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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