Since when is my name a synonym for head?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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