I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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