Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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