oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
