my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
