1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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