He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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