i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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