Someone shit on the floor
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can't put those talents on a resume
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
