You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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