Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
