I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
