Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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