Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
