Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
