Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
