he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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