My Higher Power is John Stamos
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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