if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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