he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
