The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
