so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
