Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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