I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
