My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
