i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
