Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
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