I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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