living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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