I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
