some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
