You just made me feel so damn special
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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