Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
